Where to start?!

Each and every time I go to put my eager finger tips to the black and white keys of my laptop, my mind just pauses. My soul has so much it wants to share, however is just exhausted. Exhausted from life. Life that has been swirling and churning over the past few years, turning everything once familiar and comfortable upside down, inside out, up in the air and then crashing right down.

2018 was a year of extreme realisation. Realisations that lay deep, hidden and buried within myself. I found myself at the core of my pure existence and had to make the choice- suck it up, face the facts, trust myself and move forward in life, OR, stay stuck, living a life of inauthenticity, fear and discomfort. Either is okay, if that is what you choose. However I chose to honour and respect myself and give myself what I continuously strive to give others every day- hope, support, nurture, help and guidance. I chose to give back to me.

Of course there is everything in my life which presents challenges along the way such as my baby girl vomiting daily, fading away, in pain and discomfort to the decision of major surgery. Then the continuing concern for my other cherub and her deep rooted emotions and fear for her little sister. Months of rehab, appointments, stress, sleepless nights, questioning, confusion, research and learnings. The biggest learning has been to trust myself. Trust and know myself, what I want and need and what makes me happy. When I slowly learnt to master this, everything else became slightly more manageable.

“Bottom line is, even if you see 'em coming, you're not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So what are we, helpless? Puppets? No. The big moments are gonna come. You can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are.”
― Joss Whedon 


Lately I have been graced with various vulnerable souls seeking something. They each are going through their own challenge, fear, misery, hopelessness and sense of giving up. What is there to give up on though? What do the words 'I give up, it's out of my hands, there are no other options' going to do? How on earth will this make any situation better? Does it make you feel better or live better or make it through your day any better? What is the point of living like this when there is so much hope and love and faith to be had in the world?

I have been there, I have had those moments but they are long gone. Through every dark moment I experience, when I go to that place of loneliness, despair and feeling like I can't make my daughter better again or fix her pains and daily challenges. Instead, I put her to bed and kiss her goodnight. I walk away, breathe,  put on some soul soothing tunes and trust that tomorrow is a new day full of hope and am forever thankful for each day I get, regardless of the somewhat shitty, exhausting and gut wrenching times.

“We have our mission and we are going to complete it. So grab your straws and suck it the f*#% up.”
― Greg Rucka, Lazarus, Vol. 4: Poison

For those who know me, my family and life will be thinking 'what the'! Yes I usually speak from a more subtle and soul soothing place however this is me, this is what I need to say and this is where I am. I am still me and still the strong willed, loving, giving, nurturing half Aussie half Pommie woman I've always been, however now I choose myself. I choose to give to myself what I give to others- EVERYTHING! Happiness, hope, fun, laughter, guidance, self-care, yummy dinners, special time with loved ones and peace.

I hope you also can find this place.

xxx